Monday, January 19, 2015

Not Okay Being an Okay Mom

Last week was a little hard on this momma. I learned that the following (but not limited to): cold baby wipes, crying too long, disposable diapers, fast food, wait, no all non-organic food,iPads/iPhones, microwaves, paint, plastic, pollution, ride-on toys, TVs could lead to any or all (but not limited to) the following: ADHD, asthma, autism, blindness, cancer, concussions, criminal misdemeanors, hearing impairment, or obesity. (Why yes, I alphabetized both lists for you! You are so welcome!!!)

Obviously, I am exaggerating.
Obviously, we all have read "those" articles.
Obviously, it still can make you feel like a terrible parent.

(Those aren't teeth falling out. He had just shoved a veggie straw in his mouth.

Why did it get to me last week? It wasn't coming from some weird research, it was coming from moms I look up to. Moms that I respect and admire. I tried my usual tactics to cope- make a joke about it, try to justify it. But as much as I tell myself, "You are doing a okay job," no mother wants to just be an okay mom.

(Brooks, if you ever buy me this shirt, I will not think it is funny. Ever.)

By Friday, I felt completely broken. I wanted a restart button to take me back to November 11, 2011- the day I realized I was pregnant with Woody. I wanted to read all the parenting books, take the classes on labor. I wanted to hire someone to paint those cabinets (when I was pregnant with Woody) and then our entire house (when I was pregnant with Gaines.) I wanted to make all the baby food from only organic fruits and vegetables and later perfectly balanced meals. I wanted to take all TVs, computers, smart phones out of our house and replace them with BPA-free educational toys. I wanted to read to my children more and use cloth diapers. I wanted to baby proof better and learn baby sign language. I needed to start over.

I know my mother must have thought I was insane when I called her Friday evening in tears. Her words were perfectly honest.

"If there was a restart button, you would mess up again. You do the best you can, and pray that tomorrow you can do it a little better."

We later told stories of microwaves making you sterile and toddlers with Cheetos. I really love my momma.

(Where did these long legs come from?! All of his pants are capris!)

I am reading through the Bible (which I should have done a long time ago) and am fascinated by the mothers in Genesis- Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel. They were flawed, imperfect, and the road was not always easy (all of them had difficulty having children), but God used them and their children in mighty ways.

I earnestly pray that God will use my children and my deeply imperfect self for His glory and plan. And although I will never be that perfect mother my precious sons deserve, I will try each day to be a little better than I was the day before. 

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